The Dormant Fear

Laden with love, gloating in anticipation, 

All seems fair, and all looks like gold, 

And then a whisk of grey hair appears, 

Groped in shock, disbelief, tears, 

A seed is sown. Will it degenerate? What if it doesn’t? 

What if it grows and spreads like plague?

All efforts taken to calm the fire breathing dragon

Lots of menthol poured

Healed. 

A dormant volcano? 

Many a moments pass. In love, in laughter, in dreams, of palaces and empires

That will be built

But wait! 

Where am I?

Standing on a dormant volcano? 

Can I dig a little deeper?

Digging, digging… I find gold. 

Should I continue digging more?

Digging, digging… I find more gold. 

Pleased. satisfied. Peaced out. 

And suddenly I feel a warmth beneath my feet?

Signs of dormant volcano waking up? Or just some unpatterned coincidence?

Every morning I wake up, 

Checking if my feet feel ‘normal’

How long must I wait before I begin to build my palace?

How do I know the palace is not on a dormant volcanic piece of land?

Does anyone have the answers? 

Popsicles of Estranged Love

His eyes spoke bejewelled with love
My heart thumped and skipped many beats
Every second built castles on top of the other
Dreams surreal, a hopeful future ahead...

Paradise I create... For 'us'...
As my hair softly curls into the whisk of sweet air... Bouncing and jumping with ease...
Whispering bubbles of hopeful love...

From far and near - the winds blew... 

Hard enough to pierce through...

I waited through and through... 

And hoped for the elusiveness to turn into deeper love...

A blanket see through he was wrapped into... 

But what stopped me from noticing it?

Pop pierced the needle... 

And the teardrop froze into a painful crystal... timeless.... 

Perhaps to be known as the icicled teardrop in the exhibition of the mummys... 

A million years later...

The frozen crystal hoped that the blanket fly away to the moon 

so it can rain, morning and noon? 

Clearing out the facade of invisibility...

The blanket stayed... 

Stained with dust... 

There was no one around to clean....

The hands yearn, 

the eyes speak a language the conscious can never seek...

Did you love me? 

Did you care for me? 

The voices creak from the insides of the heart...

As I close my eyes, this light I see... 

As I bow down to thee O Lord Supreme...
Your ways are weird, your toes are hard... 

I know not what lies ahead of me...

But keep me in your heart O Lord for I'm your devotee...
Fleet me not again, no wumbly love,
I seek your gravity...
Fill me up with Faith O Lord and a bright future to be...

Let me shine and light the world with hands you have given me
Let earthy burns and corny turns not touch him or me

Blows again

For what? How? When? and most importantly Why?
Those unknown familiar feelings
Yet so new and lost
Cherubic blushes
Meaty dreams
World of presuppositions
Priming and setting up
Blew away
Like a whisker in the wind

Brown tears
Yellow fears
Red scares
Lonely dares

Let down
And disappeared into the whims of unknown territories
Where art thou?
Why appear?
Why disappear?
Why appear?
Why disappear?

Red deep inside. With blood and emotions
Red over and over again
You once
He once
She once
You again
He again
She again

Do I really care only about me?
That tiny ray of hope
Blows again

The Threesome.

Questions.

Some answered.
Some unanswered.
Some in-between.

And All three kill.

That Thin Line between Humor and Insult

I have a unique laughter. I've lived all my life with it. It's an inseparable part of me and I take pride in it.

There are different kinds of laughter, though. Sometimes coy, sometimes social, and a special few times a distinctly loud, boisterous, prosperous laughter. One that does scare some. Only some, though. Most times, ppl laugh after they hear me laughing.

Attention shifts from the joke/ situation in point to - oh man! Listen to her laugh.

I realized I had this quaint laughter in my early school days. When I noticed that it totally stood out. I used to be worried about the reactions to the laughter back then when I was naive, insecure and struggling to find my identity...

Over the years I realized how my laughter is my best medicine. Some people adore it. Some admire. Some are shocked each time.

The ones that mean the world to me love my laughter as much as they love me. Whole heartedly... Some of these dear ones are extremely sophisticated, high society types. Yet they enjoy with me even when I break out with the loudest laugh in a super fine dining restaurant... They tease me too, but in a way I can enjoy it too...

Several pretense, acquaintances and sad to say colleagues are embarrassed in their deepest nerve when they hear me laugh.

If you know you are one of those, here's what I have to say to you in this context:

• Fuck off. 
• If you can't deal with me when I'm laughing, don't even come near my vicinity
• If you're embarrassed, please be so
• If you think I need therapy - I feel bad for you. I wish I could show you how much your pretense model of the world sucks
• If you want to make annoying jokes like - "Un husband gaali", "Do you wake up in the middle of the night and laugh?", "What would happen if she laughs while they're having sex", "Do you laugh in your dreams?" - remember, everytime you say stuff like this you earn my curses. 
• There's a very thin line between humor and insult. 
• You might have tons of filth in you that other people hate.

You don't choose your voice tone, your parents, your looks, the way you sneeze, the tone of your laughter etc. God makes you this way.


To those genuine, sweet people of the world - Don't let anyone take away your Essence.


You're special.

And there will always be people who will love you for the person you are.


Everyone else can fuck off.

Coal'd Soul'd

I loved

I lost

I hated

I lost

I turned into stone

I lost

I loved again

I could lose

I couldn't hate

I may lose

I will turn into stone

I don't care if I lose

Or

Just be.

Me.

And my Soul.

Pure as burning coal.

Burning with love. hatred. stones and a lot of Question Marks.

Burning. Like you.

Not for you.

Not for your love.

Not for your careless whisper.

Not for your scented shadows.

Your coal'd soul'd Question mark. 

Strangled Love

Parents. Love. Their Dreams.
Which turns dangerously into a system where they go out of their way to make their children their clones


Children. Love. Their Dreams.
Strangle. Struggle everyday to find a balance between their real identity and forced upbringing identity


Twisted. Twisted world.

Twisted Symphony. Deep Whole.

Swollen with love. For life. My life.
Burdened with pressure. My life. For him
Tempted to walk it all by myself. For myself. My dreams
Bonded by love. For them. My life.
Choked with love-prayers. For me. From them
Nested in my prayers. For me. For peace
Craving for a certain him. My joys. My tears. And us.
Throttled by misfits. For noone. Or everyone
Rattling inside my inside. For me. For me.
Living this twisted symphony. For them. And me.

Liberation, I seek
Revolution, I hope
Love, I crave
Life, I desire

For me. For him. For them. For us.

Get what not
I know not
Why this way?
Know I not

Be it this
Live life let
Go be one
Seem no one

Get so fast
Be what got
Good life. Life good
Will come to you

Faith keep you
You keep faith
Life be that
What you got will get
Lots more better more

Smile and live
Twisted symphonies shall fade
Harmony though far away
Shall come near loud and clear

With open arms I welcome that gear
Leave not my house or my near
Be there and smile some real
Light my life. Fill my soul.
Sleep in my whole deep here.
Forever now. Now forever.
Be there in my whole deep where?

Insecure Buffoons

Talent so little
Ego so bloated
Matter so little
Pride so bloated


Mastery so little
Fake-Powers so bloated
Ethics so little
Threats so bloated


Wearing on hats of wannabe authority
Trying desperately to conquer enemy's throne
Threat. Conceit. Stealth.
They try it all


The Mighty looks over and laughs silently
Try all you want, you petty being
For Victory favors the brave, the righteous, the smart and wise


So my dear, Go take a walk. TRY, at least find smarter ways to TRY to outbound the Mighty
You're allowed to fail
Just like you're going to


Good luck, anyway!

Light a New Lamp, Dear Lord...

I've been wanting to write about this for long.....


There's been one birthday post every year ever since this blog came into existence.... Quite probable I might've missed last year...


This year however, I really really wanted to write. And I don't know....


So here's recollecting a small portion of what I'm calling Birthday-Eve.....



After having finished a fabulous batch of NLP Practitioner Training at Mumbai, I decided to take a stroll by a place nearby and hit on Juhu beach....


Fascinated I was, by the tons and tons of Chaat stores and just how different the beach there is, in comparison to the Chennai beaches....

I had a really pretty time....


It was quarter behind 12am.... And when I was leaving the beach, walking on the footpath, towards the car....



I noticed on this lamp post..... This angel of a girl. Head fully covered in a light pink cloth that had quaint maps of dirt and filth from the roads..... She lay with a back curved and the only part of her physique that had the privilege of any rest seemed to be the small of her back as it touched the lamp post....
Her eyes closed.... arms wrapped around her knee.....


Her face told a million stories. Stories of pain, helplessness, acute hunger and an unexplainable sense of calm....... I can't seem to get off my head this quagmire of expressions that her face wore.
Was she asleep?
Was she awake?
Is she orphan?
Is she forced into begging?
What's her fate going to be like?
Is she going to rest at least for a few hours?
Has she eaten?
How many days has it been since she ate?
What is she going to be subject to, when she opens her eyes?
Is she one of the 'slumdogs' I have seen as in the movie?



For some reason, it felt like this life that she's trapped in was just not meant to be, for her. Something was just not right.

I mean.
What could she have possibly done to have landed her a life that probably has no meaning at all?



Her face, I can forget never.


This tender little drop of heaven in misery is something I am not able to digest.




At the stroke of the midnight hour of my birthday, I prayed. I prayed desperately. With all my heart.

That someone rescues her. That a miracle happens. And she be rescued from the shackles of inhumanness, unfairness.... And that her life suddenly transforms into that of a happy girl, learning, studying, having a place that she knows is safe...
That she turns into a millionnaire some day, and I hear of it. And I will know, somehow that it's the same girl.



Tears fill my eyes as I think of her. I've no idea why she affects me so much.
But it's just not fair. That life she had as I saw her on 17th at 11.45 in the night - is just not meant to be.


Strangely, I seem to have included her in my regular prayers now. And I believe what I wish for her will really come true.



Little Girl - I'm not able to do anything from my end other than Pray. Forgive me for my helplessness.
May you all the evil around you be rebuked. May the Lord lift you up and touch your life with abundance of blessings.
You fill me, angel.
And I know God has a way for you. And I will pray for nothing but flowers of love, wisdom and courage to be showered on you. All your life.

Disdainful Judgement

Schedules hectic
Life amess
Took on more work for bread and breathes dirty air
Believes there is only one way to live on
Thinks like a horse with eye caps on
Filters glowing Red black and blue

*Ssssppppffff* she spits her half-hearted work
Maps distorted
Ego hurt
"I'm gonna get you two" she bit her teeth and told
Reads in between lines
Makes meaning of realities that exist not

*Hurrrrrr* she blames like a fat cow with horns a many
Head shakes east-to-west vigorously that
A few worms she can gobble and spit out in disgust
Scratching brains
Bleeding nose
Life ain't as pretty is it could be
She decides so, that the world must be
A place that shares her lousy misery

Spiteful. More distortions. Long long hours all of snorty pens
Scanning her finished work she smirks now with Pride
Of her undaunted fake power and will to pronounce someone loser
Scorned. Torn. Biased. Misinterpreted.

Just a few kind words spewed here and there
Makes for bizarre decoration of work so insane
Throws her disdainful pen
Tears of blood cried the pen so soft
Judgement passed

Took a deep dip in a villa nearby
Now forgotten about the eagles so far
Life trods on. No joy. No nice





But the phoenix she hurt shall someday rise

Lucky or What?

I've always been asked - "How do you manage to ride two horses? Ain't being a Professional Vocalist and an Entrepreneur two equally demanding professions? You must be so lucky"

I tweeted a couple of days ago about my newest Samsung Galaxy Note and lo! Within a minute, someone replied "Neenga romba kuduthu vechhavanga" (Translation: You must be a extra lucky)

Oh and I hear from people all the time, "You've dimples! How lucky are you?!"


Makes me wonder what "Luck" and "Lucky" really is all about...



I do understand that there are Millions of people out there don't live in a house, don't get to eat 3 meals or have any of the basic necessities of life that I'm abundantly blessed with.
I don't understand that disparity... It's unfair. What can a baby newly born into the family of someone dwelling in the slum possibly do? Until he has grown his feet enough to be able to be on his own.

Birth, we don't have a choice of. We don't pick families we want to be part of.


But what comes after that - Why attribute to "Fortune", "Luck"?


Everyone has Choice. And we make choices all the time. To be an addict to some stuff lying on the road is a Choice. To have the vigor to break away from poverty or whatever his/her status may currently be and work towards an awesome quality of life is also a Choice.
So many many people today are willing to sponsor Education of a deserving one. We ourselves sponsor education of our Maid's daughter's education. She asked us for it, in her own little pristine way.
Tomorrow, when she's successful - Ain't she going to be subject to the "Lucky" label?




Life really is all about Choices.

You choose what you want out of life and work your whole heart and soul into realizing this.

I've always believed and would swear by this:
When you want something very very very fondly and so intently, the Universe will make way for its happening.

You just got to make the Choices that take you in that direction.
You train your gut.


And Most of all, Pray and Work. "Luck" doesn't come in the way of Prayers and Honest Work!


Pray and Work. Work and Pray. Let the sunshine of love bless us all with positivity, direction and wisdom to make Choices that are most Ecological for us...

Oodle Doodle!:)

Meet Randy and Jodha!

Dressed to hit the party!

All Rights Reserved :)

Resurgence

I blog today after almost two years. Thanks or No thanks to - @ajeyjustin


Phew. It's perhaps never happened that someone actually finds this excessively poorly SEO'd, hidden blog of mine - a secret almost - and literally figures my whole life out in two days!


And on twitter, this gentleman goes:
@MeghaAlsoHarini smell ur old book again....u ll know.u wer so stubborn tat u ll nt chnge ur blog..but u did,now ter is no harini..jus megha
@MeghaAlsoHarini singer megha...:P


And I'm here I am going - Phew! Has life really changed 'So Much'?



For one - I never believed I could write, ever. Writing was something that happened absolutely by accident. Rather, just a random, impulsive outbreak of emotions over some teenage laments. I used to write them in word docs and save them. And I think I almost parallelly started posting them online... Writing over an emotional overdose would actually flush out all the intensity and tone it down.. Like the transition from high tides to soft waves... Just living and moving on...
This weird blog world of anonymity and a thin envelope of care... I soon found this little space of mine being totally my own.. I was proud of it...

Felt like I could write all I want and get away with it.



I don't quite know what happened and what mooted me to stop blogging. It certainly was not a conscious decision... I guess I didn't find the need to lament as much...
And I found different other ways of expression - Facbeook, Twitter... More of the latter..

And here I am - realizing that this beautiful medium of expression that I have so fondly fostered, loved and owned needn't be abandoned for life. For no apparent reason...


Hence, Resurgence.



Lots has happened over 2 years now... Personal life, professional life... Several dreams of mine having come true... The Rahman dream, Setting up my own empire dream...

Life has but been beautiful :)


I don't think I want to fill this space with the two years that has gone by.... Rather, I shall fondle it with my thoughts, reviews, experiences starting today... for a long long way to come...


Thank you ababbleofemotions.blogspot.com for having waited for me for two years now... And thank you for welcoming me, with open arms... I won't ignore you nomore.. Really :)

And @ajeyjustin - I owe you. Thank you :)








Love,
Me

23rd birthday log!

20threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's! That's how many years of earthly life I've completed...
I feel distinctly older and more responsible than I did last year...

My dearest of all friends Sruthi (shuti) had to be in hyderabad on my birthday... So this sweet thing and my other dear college buddies surprisingly turned up at my place at 6am on 16th! Sangee called me up and said she was on her way to meet someone and she met with an accident. She asked me to help her... So I ran downstairs only to see these beauties cheekily grinning at me and screaming surprise! :)
We (Shutu, Sang and Keeka) drove to the beach.... chitchatted.... cut cake.... and then went to Saravana Bhavan for breakfast! Pretty, aint it?!

I've been wanting to call my entire gang of singer friends home for dinner for a long time.... Logistically, 17th seemed to be a good day where all of them were available... Mum and I also had enough time to plan and execute an elaborate dinner party!
Ranjith, Rahul-chithra, Naveen-shiney, Haricharan, Devan, Thaman Sai, Ranina, Divya, Suchi, Mini.... There were allllllll at my place on 17th night.. My dearest Vivek was with us too! We had a kickass fun time....
Janani and Reetu couldn't make it. Likewise - Krish and Naresh...
Cut cake at midnight.... and after a while, everyone left to thier homes...
It was 2am when I slept after cleaning up, getting online and stuff....

Woke up at 5.30 and watched the sunrise at the beach with my friends.... Spent some happy time and got back....
Went shopping with ma.... Met my Augustine Sir and took his blessings.... Had lunch with some friends at noon...

Met my grandparents after that... chauffered them around a little.... Went to lifestyle to pick up a top for the party I was going to attend at night... Met Thiru, a sweet little man who picked up such pretty, thoughtful gifts... :)

Caught up with a friend quickly after that... and then went home to relax and get ready for the party...

Think Music and Satyam Cinemas threw a party at the Pod. All of tinsel town was there. Think music celebrated it's 50th movie.... Had fun dancing the night out with my music gang, again!!!

Birthday celebs continued - Lunch with V boy at Tuscana... kiss ass food.. and two tiramisu's back to back!! :)

Haaaaa. and I'm 23 now!!!

Here's wishing myself a happy 23 and cheers to the start of a new 24!

Thanks alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll you guys who called, text'd, facebook wall'd, facebook email'd me for all your wishes....

Cheers,
me

From those who took the road less traveled...

I was asked to write an article for the "Alumni Speaks" column for my college - Madras School of Social Work...

The article is from "Those who took the road less traveled"...

I was asked to write about how, why I chose to take up music after HR and how HR has helped me in what I do today.... I was asked to write 150 words but ended up writing thrice as much! I don't have the heart to discard this version... and I knew my blog would fondly host it for me!


So here it goes...

From the pragmatic standpoint, I’ve always picturized myself in the corporate world steadily growing and transforming businesses and being that real woman of substance. The corporate experience I gathered from the internships at the undergraduate level in the field of HR intrigued me enough to want to delve deeper into the subject and get really wow at it!

Going by that focus, I decided to study HR. I was fortunate to have had the opportunity of studying HR in one of the finest institutions in Chennai today.

At this juncture I would like to make a confession. As much as I saw myself being an HR professional, I wouldn’t deny admitting how I’ve fantasized endlessly and seen mental videos of me singing in studios like those professional singers. Music has been always been a part of me and I have been pursuing my vocal lessons since childhood.

I stumbled upon some small opportunities to sing professionally. Thanks to the HR background that definitely gave me an edge over others from the networking perspective. Bigger opportunities came my way and I started to believe in myself more and eventually it felt like this is what I was meant to do. At the end of the two years of MHRM, I had to take that tough call – Music or HR?

My undaunted drive and passion for music along with an analysis of my log of recordings over the last year gave me renewed enthusiasm and I decided to take that big plunge. I listened to my heart and things did fall in place. I have been into music “full time” now for a year and I can’t be happier!

The two years I have spent at Madras School of Social Work has been extremely enriching. I learnt the art of people management, multi-tasking and most importantly – the art of networking. I work flexi-time in the e-learning space with an organization called NuVeda Learning Pvt Ltd. This priceless opportunity came my way through the interactions I had with them during one of our ‘HR Symphony’ symposiums which NuVeda had sponsored. I have been working with them as a consultant through my college days until now and will complete two years of service with them, shortly.

Music and NuVeda are both extremely integral parts of my life. There’s a wonderful balance of art work and brain work and this works perfectly for me. I believe in miracles. You just have to go with the flow and let them happen to you!

A new beginning...

Made up my mind.
My blog is all mine. I'm not moving it into a different address or anything.
My blog will reflect my mind, emotions, experiences, opinions, random thoughts and actions.... Definitely in greater frequency...

Love you, blog...

Cheers to a new beginning! :)

I don't know what has kept me away from my blog for so long....

Have I lost it for writing or what? I don't even have an answer...

The last post on my blog disturbed me all over again...

I'm thinking.... Should I like start a new blog or something?

"Mind your Business"

Wonder why I let all those happy moments pass… Not an inkling of memory of those pretty moments did I log… and now again, my blog bears a horrendously depressing post…

Let me begin on some note of positivity.. I sang in Aadhavan… Yeah, Surya-Nayanthara starrer… Harris Jeyraj music.. My first big break…. Feels good. My parents smiled with their eyes for the first time…..

Those same eyes turned horror stricken y’day…. It’s one of those days you don’t have any control over your emotions… Long tiring stressful annoying week that has past and you’re in the threshold of insanity…

Got back home… Irritation and anger ignited when on the first glimpse I saw some things in my room moved around… Now that can be the biggest stress giving thing for me. I hate it when people mess/clean my room or move any object by even an inch when I’m not around. It disturbs me oh so much….
I screamed at mum for doing that and demanded the room to myself for a bit… I love savoring my space by myself in my room when I just enter home from anywhere…. Mum and I clearly had a misunderstanding and we were barking at each other…

Dad who was sitting comfortably in the living room stormed out of there all disturbed and demanded with all his might to know what went wrong…. The irritated, fuming freak that I already was.. dint think a split second and screamed back… Couple of phrases I never thought I’d ever have the guts to use on dad…..
Was there like a fiend controlling my tongue? I’ve no no no clue….

I feel like chopping off my tongue for being such a bitch…. I want to beg for forgiveness….

I fear there ain’t no room for forgiveness this time around…

What do I title this one?

It’s been three years and counting…. since I stepped into the world of professional music. I didn’t ever think I’d even get where I am… I didn’t think I’d swap corporate career for a stint in music…

I am partly happy. But I’m having real difficulty dealing with the “uncertainty” element that’s so much a part of the life I’ve made for myself for now. Owing to this, I’ve been going through so many ups and downs… When I’m trouble, I’m completely troubled, else I just let lose and have a ball.

Will I make it? I don’t know…. This fear kills me sometimes…

I don’t feel like completing this post.