The depths of emotions I feel right now… Its something the numb me hasn’t felt in a long long time… I’m quite out of the “comfortably numb” shell I got myself into, almost a year ago…. I realize now, that I’m stil my same old emotional self.. just that, it hits not as often as it used to earlier….
I kinda got used to people walking in and out of my life…. I psyched myself to believe that I’m “okay” with it….
Everything’s changing in my life. Coll over. I’m not happy with results. I gotta job. I don’t have a PG admission. All this is still okay.. BUT shooti’s leaving…….
It dint hit me all along, until I had a gtalk convo with her, like a couple of minutes ago….. Shooti is one of my closest friends ever….. I cried like this exactly a year ago, when certain inevitable things happened in my life….. parting with shooti, feels just the same……the same… the same…….
What shooti’s done to my life, I wouldn’t ever be able to write… She’s made me feel pretty, she’s patted my back when I deserved it, she’s wacked my ass when I needed it, she’s mothered me all along.. she’s helped me grow into the person I am, from the very naïve, gullible fool that I was once….. she bears with me even when I’m most annoying, moody, nutty…. Tolerant. In totality.
Shooti has always ensured she gives me her time… infinite hours on phone, those “moments” we’ve shared over a pastry, at the temple...... I don’t know. Words are getting stuck somewhere in my head. It just wont come…
She’s leaving… she’s going away to Singapore to her daddy and mommy and tush bro boy… Embarking upon her, a whole new life.. new country, new people.. carrying with her, some very special memories, chasing the sun…. She’s leaving behind people whom I know mean the world to her…. her friends…… Shooti has however left with me, priceless possessions – her songs. Very pretty songs, that she guards and feeds like a baby to her bosom…..
I know I’m a lucky bitch for having gotten to have her in my life. She’s way too special to me. You won’t know how much. I really don’t know why life has to get us all to part ways…..
Shooti, I’ve been writing this thru our conversation….. it looks battered and unorganized.. but I guess, that’s how its meant to be. I wanted to TRY expressing what I feel for you. But words fail me so bad. I hate myself.
Shooti, its HARD……. Its so hard. Really. You don’t know…. All along, it wasn’t hitting me….. I don’t know why this one convo of ours pushed me to the extremes of my emotions……. So much so, I cant write.
Girl. You will live. And you will live well. Noone can stop that from happening. Not even God… You jus be a good thing that you already are, Shooti. I don’t know. I’m going now. I can’t write more, bye. I want to cry. In peace. Bye.
ps. - thats shooti and me. all smiling and happy.... thats how i feel, when i think of her.... shooti, you're my everything shooti. you be happy and nice.....