18 September 2006

Complexities of the inner me…

My life has always been a mishmash of extremes:
I crave to strike a balance
And reach a state of equilibrium
But life keeps throwing on me these ‘extreme’ situations:
Sometimes with dream-come-true opportunities (that I don’t do justice to)
Sometimes with a tsunami full of sorrow.

I’ve become an insomniac
Fighting my past that keeps looming on me all the time
Trying to clear my hazy vision of future that beckons me
I’m not happy, I’m not sad
I’m not in a symmetrical state either.

My heart craves to dive back into the glorious days of the past
Those days when I was taken care of like a baby in my Knight’s arms
Those days when I was loved for the person I was
Those days when my world revolved around my nearest and dearest
Now everything has petered out in a jiffy.

Pulling myself up from the disconnectedly connected state I’m in
Mollifying myself into believing that everything will be fine soon
Psyching myself to get comfortably numb to everything around me
Opening my eyes to prospective golden opportunities of tomorrow
With God’s blessings, I take a deep breath and get on with my life.

09 September 2006


Everyone who knows me KNOW that Rahman is my God… Mariah Carey is my Goddess, my manasika Guru…

Singing has been my biggggggest passion ever ever ever… That’s the ONLY thing I put my heart and soul into….

Way back in the fifth grade, one of my good pals Preethi and I caught the Rahman fever… We were crazy… I mean really CRAZY…. We HAD to talk about him, dissect every piece of his music EVERYDAY!! We eventually grew up to be his biggest fans ever… Both of us knew, IFFF we’d ever ever get to see him jus once, even a teeny meeny glimpse, someone will have to lift us from the ground, splash water on our faces and help us regain our consciousness!
We don’t adore a Madhavan or a John Abraham… For us, its Rahman. Just him…

Our fanaticism increased in leaps and bounds by the time we reached 7th grade – a time when all our class girls used to love playing basket ball, long chain, short chain, pole-pole, catch-catch, red-letter (the list goes on..) Preethi (I’ll call her P for short) and I used to sing songs together… Sing to our heart’s content – all of Rahman’s songs. He wouldn’t know his songs as well as we knew them! :)
I’m proud to say that our singing did “impact” a few lives…hehe. Soon, we had umm.. can I say fans?! Not really! I’d call them a little “rasigar mandram” (I mean… tiny lil audience)… So P and I got a little professional (ahem.!).. I started maintaining a lyrics book (that’s still one of my biggest treasures – writ in blue ink, 7th grade handwriting). We dint have access to the internet those days… I used to listen to the tapes over and over again and figure out lyrics myself! (now that IS Hercules task!). P rocked at singing base.. and I was mighty decent in screeching in the higher octaves. True to our expertise, P used to adopt the ‘male solo’ parts of songs, and I used to pick up the ‘female solo’ parts.. and lo! Every afternoon we used to “perform” for our lil “audience”! We used to wolf down our lunch in a giffy and get the stage set up! A royal half-hour kutcheri every day… I must admit --- those little ‘kutcheris’ gave us immense contentment.. Those days I shall cherish, for years to come….

Not forgetting to mention our cycle-rides every Sunday!! Oh yes – we’ve explored a lot Bangalore in our kutti skirts and our BSA SLR cycle (o! P had a ladybird!).. Our singing journey continued here as well.. :)

This is kinda off-beat.. Drifting away from what I really wanted to write about.. Anyways, just got reminded of this little incident… I was walking on 6th Main road Malleswaram at like 6.30 in the morn.. P was already in Hindi class and I was taking myself to class as well… I was wearing this REALLY PRETTY pleated skirt and a top, with my two hindi books to my chest, skipping in delight and humming away to glory… There was this lady who walked past (she’s most definitely insane).. She slapped me TIGHT on my left cheek and walked off…. UHHH!! YESSSSSS!! This really happened… This incident amuses me till date!! And P won’t stop laughing when she reads this I know… I walked in disbelief to hindi class – emotionless! Just a little too shocked… P is the ONLY one that knows about this EMBARRASSING incident of mine.. and now I’m blogging about it! Hehe.

Back to Rahman – I had (or should I say have?) this little fantasy… And this is again something ONLY P knew all the while… My room in my Malleswaram house faced the road (uh wait.. I’ll get to the point).. and I had this (you may call it silly) fantasy.. that some day Rahman would take a walk by that road… he’d hear me sing, and shout, “Hey little girl! Whats your name? I’ll give you a song in my next movie”!!! I blussssssshhhh everytime I think about this.. It was and it still is my fantasy… P used to roll in fits of laughter everytime we talked about this.. Deep down, she knows how much this meant to me… :)
Today, with my little singing ventures off and on, I’m one step closer to achieving my dreams (nono.. not Rahman! That’s a FANTASY, remember?).. Only wish P was here with me in Madras.. We’d have lived our passion and chased our dreams together.. Today, I’m doing it alone… but no matter how many miles we’re apart from each other, music will bond us together, for eternity…

PS.: Love you, Preethi.. Miss you so much… Keep singing girl! Keep it going… Don’t get engulfed in the geeky world of studies… Breathe music, you’ll find peace.. :) and btw – the cd I’d promised you, will definitely reach you… :)

To all – Ironically, I don’t have a picture of Preethi with me.. and this blog is going to look incomplete without it.. I’ll upload a picture of hers, soon after she sends me one… (did you get the msg, P?:) )

02 September 2006


In this world where infidelity and adultery are becoming synonymous with way of life, I’d put my foot down and say that I’m still definitely pro-marriage. I know for a fact that I will not play around with sentiments of my life, my spouse’s, my parents and that of society’s. Commitment is a loosely shunted word. But do people even realize the seriousness of a so-called “commitment”? Human minds sway, but I believe that a strong and a committed individual will not go by these infatuations. Marriage is not about committing to your spouse. It is about commitment to oneself. I want to scream into the minds of all those fickle-minded men --- DON’T ever marry, if you can’t stick to one woman!

In India, some people marry because of parental pressure, peer pressure, societal pressure. Are individuals who fall into those categories, ever happy? Some of them reconcile themselves to fate and live life. And for the others, the d-word comes to the rescue. Yes, I’m talking about divorce. Not so uncommon afterall.

We’re caught between the fantasies of what the heart says and practicalities of the mind’s eye. In reality, we live in between these two extremes.

Singledom can be blissful for those who are extremely career-oriented, who can fend for themselves and who’d like to live on their own terms without being questioned. Marriage is all about a life full of togetherness and love that comes along with making reasonable adjustments and sacrifices.

So all you freakin capricious, vacillating people (I mean MEN) out there, GROW UP!! Marriage is a wonderful institution. But get into this commitment only if you can commit to yourself. Else, stay away from it. Save yourself the sin of ruining a woman’s life.