28 August 2009

"Mind your Business"

Wonder why I let all those happy moments pass… Not an inkling of memory of those pretty moments did I log… and now again, my blog bears a horrendously depressing post…

Let me begin on some note of positivity.. I sang in Aadhavan… Yeah, Surya-Nayanthara starrer… Harris Jeyraj music.. My first big break…. Feels good. My parents smiled with their eyes for the first time…..

Those same eyes turned horror stricken y’day…. It’s one of those days you don’t have any control over your emotions… Long tiring stressful annoying week that has past and you’re in the threshold of insanity…

Got back home… Irritation and anger ignited when on the first glimpse I saw some things in my room moved around… Now that can be the biggest stress giving thing for me. I hate it when people mess/clean my room or move any object by even an inch when I’m not around. It disturbs me oh so much….
I screamed at mum for doing that and demanded the room to myself for a bit… I love savoring my space by myself in my room when I just enter home from anywhere…. Mum and I clearly had a misunderstanding and we were barking at each other…

Dad who was sitting comfortably in the living room stormed out of there all disturbed and demanded with all his might to know what went wrong…. The irritated, fuming freak that I already was.. dint think a split second and screamed back… Couple of phrases I never thought I’d ever have the guts to use on dad…..
Was there like a fiend controlling my tongue? I’ve no no no clue….

I feel like chopping off my tongue for being such a bitch…. I want to beg for forgiveness….

I fear there ain’t no room for forgiveness this time around…

11 July 2009

What do I title this one?

It’s been three years and counting…. since I stepped into the world of professional music. I didn’t ever think I’d even get where I am… I didn’t think I’d swap corporate career for a stint in music…

I am partly happy. But I’m having real difficulty dealing with the “uncertainty” element that’s so much a part of the life I’ve made for myself for now. Owing to this, I’ve been going through so many ups and downs… When I’m trouble, I’m completely troubled, else I just let lose and have a ball.

Will I make it? I don’t know…. This fear kills me sometimes…

I don’t feel like completing this post.

19 March 2009

22nd birthday log...

Somehow, this number 22 hasn’t been making me smile over the last few days…. Been hitting constant lows and suddenly 22 feels like 92…! And yes, the agony aunt’s and uncle’s have heard enough of this depression over the last couple of weeks!

But... BLESSED. That’s how I feel now.

Here’s my birthday log:

11.40pm 17th march onwards, calls started coming in! And slowly I began smiling.. Lakshmi, Rohan, Shooti called in, following the midnight wish tradition… And then V boy calls and asks me to come down to my gate!!!! Momsie smiled and let me go…. I went down the flight of stairs as fast as I could with those bird feet and flew into V’s car… “Happy birthday lil baby”, he said and unloaded a kutty dabba on my palms. I opened it all excited to find a freakin fone!!!!! A new freakin fone! My head almost started spinning as I looked at that lil sophisticated, sleek piece of joy! We drove and drove down mount road and then took U turn and drove and drove back home… Daintily switched sims into new fones… took off pictures… played pranks with birthday callers… had a cheeky + senti + super pretty awesome awesome time…

Got back home… took many many more happy birdday calls… and crashed!

Up at 6, woken up by shooti wooti who claimed to be sleeping cos’ she had sprains! I shook myself up and jumped outta the bed… Daddy boy wished me many happy returns… I drank my green tea and was setting to the gym… And Sanju sanju sanju called from London!!! I wish he was just a jump away and not many oceans apart… Nevertheless, we spoke pretty many happy words and then my bike took me to my gym… As I was entering, I see two very familiar faces standing right there… One with a sprained ankle, another with a cheeky grin and mallu eyes! Bikey automatically slowed down, trying to digest the fact that Shooti and Swathi are at MY gym at SEVEN am!! Heck, it was a birthday surprise!!!!! Hugs, birthday song, cake cutting session followed… They thoroughly publicized to my gym-mates too, that it was my birthday! Pooh. I was SURPRISED, in the real sense. Thanks you freaks! I carried home a whole bag of goodies - uper smart red sleeveless kurta, ethnic and bright Indian mat with zari, handicrafts…! I had bequeathed pre-birthday gifts as well, from Sangee – chambor eye shadows, super special wet wipes (I’m going to detail this further)…

I get back home and I find Divsoo and V boy accidentally present themselves to me! and soon, my singer jinger friends were all at the door! Rita, Jan, Ranina, Rahul and Naveeeena! I cut an absolutely grand choc truffle cake and fed mommy, daddy and all of them! They wouldn’t let go of my pretty face, would they? :P They made me look like a drishti bommai with cake smudged allllllll over!!!!! We had kuty breakfast and took many many many pictures…

Divu gave me a mirror… something I’ve been craving for ever since I moved into this house, cos’ my room doesn’t have a mirror!!!! Pooh. An awfully beautiful made to order mirror with antique wood tanjore frame. Do you have any idea, how awesome it looks????

After all the hugs and kisses, she rolls out another huge parcel… this one was a freakin AWESOME blue blanket! There’s a whole history to this one! I bet noneeeeeeeeee of you have a blanket as cozy as this one….. I used one at a friends place like a year ago, and ever since I’ve wanted to get something as cuddly as that. And bang! She gets me a replica of what I craved for, a year ago!!!!!

And then ONCE AGAIN she brings an item wrapped beautifully in green. This one was 3 foot long gift and I was so puzzled. I ripped the gift wrappers open and boy! There lie the most brilliant piece of hand made picture art!!!!! 2 year old memories captured to the T. Aaaah. I cannot describe it. Feel free to find it on my wall, when you come home next!

Pooh… I don’t know. I’d quite lost it, at the end of it…. We soon put it away and mommy, divsoo and I went a lil shopping after tat… got back home, had lunch… Div and I set out to coll… We reached early! Half an hour early!!! It’s one of those extreeeeeeemly rare scenarios where we’ve kept time! :P Amsoo bumsoo who claimed she won’t come to coll walked in with another super pretty cake and the whole class sang “happy birthday to you”! O man… I was choking on niceness. Really…

We aimlessly chatted for a while… Div and I then decided to watch a movie. As we were walking towards my bike, I see a whole bunch of red roses there! It’s these same college items – Riki, Amu, Aisha, Needy beedy, Bina, Min who are responsible for that! Thanks you silly billies!! :) :) :)

Went to Satyam and watched Yaavarum Nalam… Ironical that we watched a thriller, that I’d like to call a horrrrrrrrrror movie on my birthday! Aaaaaaaaaaoooooooooo! I was thoroughly freaked out. But hey! Nice movie, that! We went to blur… laughed at those machines and freaks who were freakin out on them! Ordered pasta, salad and ate tummy full! And then we were on our way back to our respective homes…..

I spent time with folks for a bit before I could adorn myself for dinner like Lakshmi had instructed me to! V and Lakshu drove home to pick me up for dinner! We went to Taj on Mount Road and had super pretty dinner…. I described alllllllll of the above to Lakshmi…and we spoke and spoke and spoke….

Got back home… these two would still not let me go empty handed… they got me birthday cards with words that only I could almost hear them speak…

Ah.. my birthday got over… I walked those flights of stairs up… this time a lot slower than before…. Recollecting precious precious precious moments of today… And here I am, writing about my day…

Thanks Giving

Divsoo, Shootu, Viveko – you’re my diamonds. You’ll very very very precious to me. thank you for slaughtering me with all your love… I can’t be more touched…
Lakshu – thanks for giving me an amazing evening… allow me to treat you to a foot massage, soon… :) thanks for the perfume and the card – i LOVE them…
All my singer friends, college friends – thanks oh so much for making my day so so special… thanks for coming… Thanks for the really pretty stole, Jan… :)
To EVERYONE who called, messaged, emailed to wish me – THANKS A MILLION….

Again, to all – Thanks for making me feel like a blessing.

Overwhelmed and exasperated with all the love,
It’s me Harini-aka-Megha saying thanks again…


06 March 2009

Mercy, O Sweet Pear...

Ironically, my mom just cut me a pear and I’m sitting by the PC, popping the tiny pear pieces one after another, into my mouth… and with every new bite, he pops into head…

He loves pears... More than apples and other fruits that God made.
I’m sing out aloud… This song called ‘Untitled’ by Simple Plan…

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light

Wondering why my state of mind and peace haven't been in synchrony quite a while, now…

I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

Crying miserably… Wondering what went wrong… Why… How?

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

A 3 year old relationship straining for the first time… Maybe much lesser than I think… Nevertheless, I can’t stand the pain…

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I just haven’t made a mistake, although the pear man probably thinks I’ve made one…

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me

Futile attempts to reach out to the pear lover… Futile, still.

I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread

Hoping that call would come… Still hanging…

I wanna start this over again

Will you let that happen, O sweet pear?

11 February 2009

Caught in a Quagmire

I never thought there’d be days when I wake up at 5am and wail ecstatically…

Ever since my passion turned into something more serious of the sort, my parents have been shitting bricks. More specifically, my father, my love…

I’ve read about a million people who really really wanted to do something in their lives but are elsewhere now, probably picking up calls in a call centre… Probably sporting the smartest tie and bowing their heads down everyday in front their manager at work. In a strange way, I get reminded of the movie Rock On…. I fear I’ll turn into the grumpy, annoying Farhan Akhtar that toiled morning to night, traveled in the best of cars, lived in the best of houses…. But life for his wife was pretty much hell, cos’ he was lying to himself… The corporate serious life he’d psyched himself to believe was meant to be, was indeed not….

Everyone has problems in life… Large or small, but they do exist. I’m happy. Very very happy with the way I deal with my life with all it’s highs and lows…. But right now, I’m torn. Utterly torn…. Torn by my passion being molested in dignified ways….

Playback singing should have remained a dream for me. I wonder why it even crystallized into reality, opening up new doors in my thoughts…. I should have realized long ago that no matter how much I put my heart and soul into it, people who matter most to me don’t value it, one teeny bit….

Generation gap is one predicament most parents and siblings suffer, alike. It presents itself in greater proportions for me…. Can I do anything at all, to bridge the gap, at least a little?

I’ve absolutely no heart to kill the dream I’ve fostered since childhood… Especially with opportunities are coming in sizeable proportions over the last few months, I’m only driven more passionately to better myself at this art, challenge myself each time and make my heart soar with delight….

I give all due respect to my father’s ideologies. They are not nonsensical, but they’re only too conventional for me to digest and internalize. He loathes every bit of the film industry and any human being who has anything to do with the industry. He believes that life for us is “meant to be” one that encompasses a regular full time corporate job that pays you a “fixed, reliable” salary, month after month. Society will not respect a fluctuating job, more specifically a job in the film industry….

He hangs his head down in shame almost when people ask him about my music. He hates mentioning anything at all. For him, the film industry is taboo and he’s doing everything in his might, to keep his daughter miles away from it…. And how? By fervently talking me out of it every day….

I happen to be going for a show to Coimbatore this Sunday… My first outstation show. How I’d love a situation where I could happily seek blessings of both my parents before I set out…. Here I have mom in one side, who’d kill to see her daughter grow in what she wants to do most… and there’s dad on the other side who’s utterly flabbergasted on the mention of the show… 5.30am and the passionate “please don’t get into all this, I beg of you” speech starts….. and I finally leave to the gym with my heart all heavy…. Torn by his concern on one end, my passion on the other….

Crying all the way to the gym… Running frantically on the treadmill, fighting my tears inside…. Unable to fight any longer, I rush home to blog desperately…

Unfortunately, we have a family friend who’s extremely well known in the Carnatic field. She’s one of the top notch artists who’s received national recognition as well. No prizes to you even if you have managed to guess right. Well, her name was torn to bits by the media on her alleged affair with a famed actor. Besides, family life of someone so big can’t be a bed of roses. Thrown apart by these realities, my dad insists adamantly that I don’t pave my way to fame and dig my own gave.

Further, his concerns are about my future – my married life. Will anyone marry me? Will that someone want to see me pursue a career in music and deal with all the glamor and uncertainty that comes its way? No, he believes. Every man wants his wife to be conventional and lead a normal life with no public scrutiny…

A good friend once told me, failures and flops are far more publicized and scrutinized by the society, media than by your success. And it’s true…

Here I am, caught in a quagmire… My parents mean the world to me… What must I do? Kill my passion and fulfill my parent’s desires or hurt my parents and chase my dreams? I can’t have the cake and eat it.

O Lord… I’m at your mercy…. Please show me the way…..

09 February 2009

Fetish o fetish

I went to Lifestyle today...

I gaped and gaped and gaped at a tray..... Utterly awestruck by its beauty... It wasn't only beautiful, it was HOT! I mean.. really! HOT!!!!!
I couldn't resist it any longer.... I quickly shoved it into my shopping bag.... I can leave behind clothes, shoes, everything... but NOT this tray!

Similar things happened a few years ago.... I picked up one pair of footwear after gazing fixedly... I wish I still had it... *Sigh*

For ages now, I've had an eye on an aunt's saree..... Chiffon... Unimaginably hot saree.... So class... so freakin perfect. I mean... what a sareeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nevermind. I can't have everything... For now, I have my tray. and I'm happy!!!

By now, you've most certainly concluded I'm insane!!! :)

But believe me... I'm addicted. To leopard print. Golden sheen... Black rosette shaped dots.... Wowwwwwwww... I mean wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I see the tray right next to me... Glistening.... Golden sheen.. Black spots....

Love you, my leopard tray!

PS - I'm sure there's some deep deep connection... Leopards and me... I might jus've been one previous birth.... Aaaaaaaaaaaah. They're jus beautiful! :)

07 February 2009

Will I make it?

I really hope patience and hard work pays...

**fingers crossed**

**biting nails**

Atoms dancing in front of my eyes.... Will I make it?
I don't know...

I really hope patience and hard work pays...

26 January 2009

Crack in the wall

It’s strange how people whom you place on a mountain top suddenly throw you off the cliff. The two people fondly nurture a relationship with love, time and care…. It grows up to be a beautiful one, all strong, healthy and happy….

Little would you expect an Arnold Schwarzenegger like strong building to crumble to bits. Wonder where the cracks came from, in the first place…

Any idea?

My guesses:
** Take the other person for granted
** Cease to appreciate (not verbally) importance/niceness of the other person
** Expectations mismatch
** Insensitiveness owing to no particular reason
** Change in priorities/people

Got some band aid, anyone? One that will crease out the crack entirely...

20 January 2009

Divinity personified

Few people emanate energy than can melt your thickest bone down to powder in split seconds… We place spiritual leaders and living Gods’ on a different pedestal all together, for there’s something extremely positive and an out-of-the-ordinary feeling that you experience, when you are in their midst…

I’ve been blessed infinitely to be around one such person, who is most certainly Goddess Saraswathi’s male incarnation… I can spend the rest of my life at his feet, listening to miracles he creates with his heavenly veena…

I don’t remember what brought me to his concert, at first… I knew I was in for a musical treat… Little did I expect to be transported into a state of numbness… Tears froze and I just sat there, unable to move a limb…. For weeks after that magical evening, I was unable to keep my mind off the reverberations his soul created that transcended all forms music I’ve ever heard… I spent sleepless, restless nights drunken on his music… Divine, to the say the least…

Even youtube videos of sir’s music, makes me shiver… I’m right now listening to a piece that’s sending me chills all over again…

It is unquestionably an experience of a lifetime to watch him weave magic with those fervent fingers… As if the aura he exuberates is not enough, he has an absolutely stellar team of musicians who complement his performance perfectly without overshadowing his touches, one bit… Coordination, precision and timing can’t get more perfect. Every beat keeps you on your toes. I’m always all nervous, holding my heart in my hand, wondering what’s coming up next. And no, even if he’s playing the same piece in two concerts, you cannot tell which performance was better. Each time, he unfolds absolutely unexpected elements and puts you in a state of euphoria yet again…

I feel like an ant when I meet him. Nervous, sometimes… But it’s amazing how he puts you at ease… One of the most chill persons, I’ve ever met… Absolutely no airs about himself.. Unassuming and bubbling with positive energy all the time… Oh so humble… He appreciates… He talks to you like you’re a girl next door… Sometimes, it makes me want to pinch myself to believe he’s as humble as he is…

I don’t think my words can do any justice in describing how superlative a person he is or each of his concerts are…

Rajhesh Vaidhya Sir, I know you will be reading this… Here’s my way of telling you, that I worship you and your music… I will always crave to hear more of you… I apologize profusely for not being able to attend all of your concerts this season… I will make up for it in your concerts to come…

Although I’m way younger than you, I will pray for God’s choicest blessings on you. May the world hear more and more of your music everlastingly… Please continue to brighten lives of your devout fans like me…

I seek your blessings…


Here's a piece from the Veena God Rajhesh Vaidhya, taken from his performance at Chennaiyil Thiruvaiyaru...

11 January 2009


You play tricks with me, dear life
make me sad as a shrunken pea one day
make me spring up and down like an insane frog another day
what hath thou in store for me?

Must I spend this year singing away to glory in studios?
Or handle irrational problems of human beings at work?
Must I clutch onto a pen and paint a thousand words?
Tell me… which side do I sway?

Instincts tell me this year’s going to be great
not just good, but great!
Smiles, thrills, chills, happiness and no pills
But sigh… which side do I sway?

A sudden gush of positive energy
I know not from where
But this unflinching dilemma
I know not how to spare

O good Lord,
Show me a clear way
Heart or head;
Which side do I sway?

05 January 2009


My dearest darlingest blog,

I know I’ve ignored for too long. I wasn’t even that busy. But I just didn’t get myself to write. I’m very sorry.

But hey! 2009 is here. This year, I shall not take off on a long hiatus like last year.. I'll write.. and I'll write my heart :)

Happy new year to you and all who’ve cared to drop into my blog in the past!

Me :)