11 February 2009

Caught in a Quagmire

I never thought there’d be days when I wake up at 5am and wail ecstatically…

Ever since my passion turned into something more serious of the sort, my parents have been shitting bricks. More specifically, my father, my love…

I’ve read about a million people who really really wanted to do something in their lives but are elsewhere now, probably picking up calls in a call centre… Probably sporting the smartest tie and bowing their heads down everyday in front their manager at work. In a strange way, I get reminded of the movie Rock On…. I fear I’ll turn into the grumpy, annoying Farhan Akhtar that toiled morning to night, traveled in the best of cars, lived in the best of houses…. But life for his wife was pretty much hell, cos’ he was lying to himself… The corporate serious life he’d psyched himself to believe was meant to be, was indeed not….

Everyone has problems in life… Large or small, but they do exist. I’m happy. Very very happy with the way I deal with my life with all it’s highs and lows…. But right now, I’m torn. Utterly torn…. Torn by my passion being molested in dignified ways….

Playback singing should have remained a dream for me. I wonder why it even crystallized into reality, opening up new doors in my thoughts…. I should have realized long ago that no matter how much I put my heart and soul into it, people who matter most to me don’t value it, one teeny bit….

Generation gap is one predicament most parents and siblings suffer, alike. It presents itself in greater proportions for me…. Can I do anything at all, to bridge the gap, at least a little?

I’ve absolutely no heart to kill the dream I’ve fostered since childhood… Especially with opportunities are coming in sizeable proportions over the last few months, I’m only driven more passionately to better myself at this art, challenge myself each time and make my heart soar with delight….

I give all due respect to my father’s ideologies. They are not nonsensical, but they’re only too conventional for me to digest and internalize. He loathes every bit of the film industry and any human being who has anything to do with the industry. He believes that life for us is “meant to be” one that encompasses a regular full time corporate job that pays you a “fixed, reliable” salary, month after month. Society will not respect a fluctuating job, more specifically a job in the film industry….

He hangs his head down in shame almost when people ask him about my music. He hates mentioning anything at all. For him, the film industry is taboo and he’s doing everything in his might, to keep his daughter miles away from it…. And how? By fervently talking me out of it every day….

I happen to be going for a show to Coimbatore this Sunday… My first outstation show. How I’d love a situation where I could happily seek blessings of both my parents before I set out…. Here I have mom in one side, who’d kill to see her daughter grow in what she wants to do most… and there’s dad on the other side who’s utterly flabbergasted on the mention of the show… 5.30am and the passionate “please don’t get into all this, I beg of you” speech starts….. and I finally leave to the gym with my heart all heavy…. Torn by his concern on one end, my passion on the other….

Crying all the way to the gym… Running frantically on the treadmill, fighting my tears inside…. Unable to fight any longer, I rush home to blog desperately…

Unfortunately, we have a family friend who’s extremely well known in the Carnatic field. She’s one of the top notch artists who’s received national recognition as well. No prizes to you even if you have managed to guess right. Well, her name was torn to bits by the media on her alleged affair with a famed actor. Besides, family life of someone so big can’t be a bed of roses. Thrown apart by these realities, my dad insists adamantly that I don’t pave my way to fame and dig my own gave.

Further, his concerns are about my future – my married life. Will anyone marry me? Will that someone want to see me pursue a career in music and deal with all the glamor and uncertainty that comes its way? No, he believes. Every man wants his wife to be conventional and lead a normal life with no public scrutiny…

A good friend once told me, failures and flops are far more publicized and scrutinized by the society, media than by your success. And it’s true…

Here I am, caught in a quagmire… My parents mean the world to me… What must I do? Kill my passion and fulfill my parent’s desires or hurt my parents and chase my dreams? I can’t have the cake and eat it.

O Lord… I’m at your mercy…. Please show me the way…..

09 February 2009

Fetish o fetish

I went to Lifestyle today...

I gaped and gaped and gaped at a tray..... Utterly awestruck by its beauty... It wasn't only beautiful, it was HOT! I mean.. really! HOT!!!!!
I couldn't resist it any longer.... I quickly shoved it into my shopping bag.... I can leave behind clothes, shoes, everything... but NOT this tray!

Similar things happened a few years ago.... I picked up one pair of footwear after gazing fixedly... I wish I still had it... *Sigh*

For ages now, I've had an eye on an aunt's saree..... Chiffon... Unimaginably hot saree.... So class... so freakin perfect. I mean... what a sareeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nevermind. I can't have everything... For now, I have my tray. and I'm happy!!!

By now, you've most certainly concluded I'm insane!!! :)

But believe me... I'm addicted. To leopard print. Golden sheen... Black rosette shaped dots.... Wowwwwwwww... I mean wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I see the tray right next to me... Glistening.... Golden sheen.. Black spots....

Love you, my leopard tray!

PS - I'm sure there's some deep deep connection... Leopards and me... I might jus've been one previous birth.... Aaaaaaaaaaaah. They're jus beautiful! :)

07 February 2009

Will I make it?

I really hope patience and hard work pays...

**fingers crossed**

**biting nails**

Atoms dancing in front of my eyes.... Will I make it?
I don't know...

I really hope patience and hard work pays...