Complexities of the inner me…

My life has always been a mishmash of extremes:
I crave to strike a balance
And reach a state of equilibrium
But life keeps throwing on me these ‘extreme’ situations:
Sometimes with dream-come-true opportunities (that I don’t do justice to)
Sometimes with a tsunami full of sorrow.

I’ve become an insomniac
Fighting my past that keeps looming on me all the time
Trying to clear my hazy vision of future that beckons me
I’m not happy, I’m not sad
I’m not in a symmetrical state either.

My heart craves to dive back into the glorious days of the past
Those days when I was taken care of like a baby in my Knight’s arms
Those days when I was loved for the person I was
Those days when my world revolved around my nearest and dearest
Now everything has petered out in a jiffy.

Pulling myself up from the disconnectedly connected state I’m in
Mollifying myself into believing that everything will be fine soon
Psyching myself to get comfortably numb to everything around me
Opening my eyes to prospective golden opportunities of tomorrow
With God’s blessings, I take a deep breath and get on with my life.

MUSIC, PREETHI AND I...

Everyone who knows me KNOW that Rahman is my God… Mariah Carey is my Goddess, my manasika Guru…

Singing has been my biggggggest passion ever ever ever… That’s the ONLY thing I put my heart and soul into….

Way back in the fifth grade, one of my good pals Preethi and I caught the Rahman fever… We were crazy… I mean really CRAZY…. We HAD to talk about him, dissect every piece of his music EVERYDAY!! We eventually grew up to be his biggest fans ever… Both of us knew, IFFF we’d ever ever get to see him jus once, even a teeny meeny glimpse, someone will have to lift us from the ground, splash water on our faces and help us regain our consciousness!
We don’t adore a Madhavan or a John Abraham… For us, its Rahman. Just him…

Our fanaticism increased in leaps and bounds by the time we reached 7th grade – a time when all our class girls used to love playing basket ball, long chain, short chain, pole-pole, catch-catch, red-letter (the list goes on..) Preethi (I’ll call her P for short) and I used to sing songs together… Sing to our heart’s content – all of Rahman’s songs. He wouldn’t know his songs as well as we knew them! :)
I’m proud to say that our singing did “impact” a few lives…hehe. Soon, we had umm.. can I say fans?! Not really! I’d call them a little “rasigar mandram” (I mean… tiny lil audience)… So P and I got a little professional (ahem.!).. I started maintaining a lyrics book (that’s still one of my biggest treasures – writ in blue ink, 7th grade handwriting). We dint have access to the internet those days… I used to listen to the tapes over and over again and figure out lyrics myself! (now that IS Hercules task!). P rocked at singing base.. and I was mighty decent in screeching in the higher octaves. True to our expertise, P used to adopt the ‘male solo’ parts of songs, and I used to pick up the ‘female solo’ parts.. and lo! Every afternoon we used to “perform” for our lil “audience”! We used to wolf down our lunch in a giffy and get the stage set up! A royal half-hour kutcheri every day… I must admit --- those little ‘kutcheris’ gave us immense contentment.. Those days I shall cherish, for years to come….

Not forgetting to mention our cycle-rides every Sunday!! Oh yes – we’ve explored a lot Bangalore in our kutti skirts and our BSA SLR cycle (o! P had a ladybird!).. Our singing journey continued here as well.. :)

This is kinda off-beat.. Drifting away from what I really wanted to write about.. Anyways, just got reminded of this little incident… I was walking on 6th Main road Malleswaram at like 6.30 in the morn.. P was already in Hindi class and I was taking myself to class as well… I was wearing this REALLY PRETTY pleated skirt and a top, with my two hindi books to my chest, skipping in delight and humming away to glory… There was this lady who walked past (she’s most definitely insane).. She slapped me TIGHT on my left cheek and walked off…. UHHH!! YESSSSSS!! This really happened… This incident amuses me till date!! And P won’t stop laughing when she reads this I know… I walked in disbelief to hindi class – emotionless! Just a little too shocked… P is the ONLY one that knows about this EMBARRASSING incident of mine.. and now I’m blogging about it! Hehe.

Back to Rahman – I had (or should I say have?) this little fantasy… And this is again something ONLY P knew all the while… My room in my Malleswaram house faced the road (uh wait.. I’ll get to the point).. and I had this (you may call it silly) fantasy.. that some day Rahman would take a walk by that road… he’d hear me sing, and shout, “Hey little girl! Whats your name? I’ll give you a song in my next movie”!!! I blussssssshhhh everytime I think about this.. It was and it still is my fantasy… P used to roll in fits of laughter everytime we talked about this.. Deep down, she knows how much this meant to me… :)
Today, with my little singing ventures off and on, I’m one step closer to achieving my dreams (nono.. not Rahman! That’s a FANTASY, remember?).. Only wish P was here with me in Madras.. We’d have lived our passion and chased our dreams together.. Today, I’m doing it alone… but no matter how many miles we’re apart from each other, music will bond us together, for eternity…

PS.: Love you, Preethi.. Miss you so much… Keep singing girl! Keep it going… Don’t get engulfed in the geeky world of studies… Breathe music, you’ll find peace.. :) and btw – the cd I’d promised you, will definitely reach you… :)

To all – Ironically, I don’t have a picture of Preethi with me.. and this blog is going to look incomplete without it.. I’ll upload a picture of hers, soon after she sends me one… (did you get the msg, P?:) )

GROW UP!!

In this world where infidelity and adultery are becoming synonymous with way of life, I’d put my foot down and say that I’m still definitely pro-marriage. I know for a fact that I will not play around with sentiments of my life, my spouse’s, my parents and that of society’s. Commitment is a loosely shunted word. But do people even realize the seriousness of a so-called “commitment”? Human minds sway, but I believe that a strong and a committed individual will not go by these infatuations. Marriage is not about committing to your spouse. It is about commitment to oneself. I want to scream into the minds of all those fickle-minded men --- DON’T ever marry, if you can’t stick to one woman!

In India, some people marry because of parental pressure, peer pressure, societal pressure. Are individuals who fall into those categories, ever happy? Some of them reconcile themselves to fate and live life. And for the others, the d-word comes to the rescue. Yes, I’m talking about divorce. Not so uncommon afterall.

We’re caught between the fantasies of what the heart says and practicalities of the mind’s eye. In reality, we live in between these two extremes.

Singledom can be blissful for those who are extremely career-oriented, who can fend for themselves and who’d like to live on their own terms without being questioned. Marriage is all about a life full of togetherness and love that comes along with making reasonable adjustments and sacrifices.

So all you freakin capricious, vacillating people (I mean MEN) out there, GROW UP!! Marriage is a wonderful institution. But get into this commitment only if you can commit to yourself. Else, stay away from it. Save yourself the sin of ruining a woman’s life.

Renaissance..

“The only permanent thing in this world is CHANGE”… You’ve heard people say that before, so have I…. These sayings would sound rather cliché until you actually have a personal experience and then finally you can relate to it…..

A stone can turn into a rose… A rose can turn into an amoeba… An amoeba can turn into fireflies.. Fireflies can melt and turn into sugar candy’s… Sugar candy’s can turn into ruffians.. Ruffians can become love-birds… Love-birds can become love-devoid birds… Yes, in my weird state of mind, I sure do believe all this is possible…. Things change, from one form to the other, “anywhere, anytime”… One cannot afford to get riveted with these... Well, I did… To an extent that my sense of self depended on fleeting, illusory moments that I once thought would last forever… I’ve fallen down on parched land today, with a loud thud. I can see nothing but drought around me… Not a drop of water to quench my thirst… Mirages betrayed me… Harsh dust-laden winds blew past me, blinding me.. I became unconscious……


I heard an Angel sing, “The only permanent thing in this world is CHANGE”… I woke up faintly, unwilling to buy the Angel’s words… “Why do people change?”, I demanded to know… Angel smiled, holding me in her arms she said, “Change is God’s way of throwing tougher challenges at you… Once you get past these ordeals, God will take you back unto Him…”. I looked at her dismayed... “Move on Harini”, Angel said, “and move on unabashed… God is kind and He will always be there with you…”…. I pondered… I pondered… People come and go, they touch your lives in ways you cannot imagine… “Learn to be attachedly detached” cried the Angel, my soul, my strength, my inner self that I refrained from listening to, when I was carried away by worldly pleasures… I united with my inner being… Calm moments of self-realization… Revelation of universal truth, the way of life….

Mint-fresh gentle breeze blew past me…. Luxuriant flowers I can see… Mellifluous voices hushing “Wake up little girl, wake up anew”… A little bird kissed my eyes open…I saw the world around me... I felt like I had a new pair of eyes… Every being welcoming the new me, with open arms and cherubic smiles… The parched land that I fell on and the water-devoid areas seem like figments of imagination now… I have a new life, a new beginning, bigger dreams, tougher challenges, and a whole new life to live… And I am going to live it to the fullest with vigor, valor and victory! Only for myself…. This is my world, my space, my life… Noone can encroach into my world and embezzle my happiness… I’m a new Harini now… A Harini that has just experienced Renaissance…

Kummi Adi...

“Kummi adi kummi adi” --- music screaming into my ears through my headphones! Listening to this song in loop (I cant count the number of times I’ve listened to it now).. For those of you who are alien to tamil music or jus one of those not-so-updated kinds, this song is from A R Rahman’s latest tamil movie – “Sillunu (or jhillunu.. whatever) oru kadhal kadhai”….

Rahman’s back with his magic once again, to tickle every sensory nerve in your body! He’s woven every song with a touch of class.. He has managed to retain the native flavors yet modernized even our traditional “kummi paatu” without making it sound like a horrendous remix with all the alleged ‘in vogue’ wannabe hip-hop pieces fit into matchless nodes in a song!

Seerkazhi. Siva Chidambaram with his open throated rendition coupled with versatile (and heavily talented) Naresh Iyer’s performance do absolute justice to this song.. Flawless rendition of the kummi paatu! Not forgetting to mention the subtle touch that Swarnalatha brings in and Theni Kunjarammal amma’s trademark style that makes this foot-tapping number an absolute joy to listen to! Hats off to Rahman for having brought in the right voices for the song! He has shown his expertise by expressing authenticity of folk music, yet westernizing the same amidst a modern day iyer – wedding setup!!

“Avalaku enna amba samutharam, Iyer hotel alva maadhiri, thaazham poovena thala thala thalavena vandha vandha paaru!” – An absolutely pretty pun made of a typical shy Iyer bride! Makes me smile when I listen to this line.. :) **bows** to Vaali for lyrics…

Marriages are the nicest occasions ever (minus all the drab dowry-“seeru” routines)… Every mantra, every ritual has its beauty… its significance and sanctity…
Kasiaadharae, Oonjal, Nalangu… Madisaar, metti, thaali, akshadhai…. And the good old kummi paatu!!

This song reminds me of all the beautiful things about Iyer weddings and lets me bask in the moments of togetherness, sweet traditions, celebrations, joy! Join me – “kummi adi penne kummi adi.. yele! ole!”….

By the Beach...

Sanju boy used to think me INSANE for even making an innocent suggestion of going to the beach in the afternoon! “Are you crazy, its so F***in hot”, he’d say!! But yeah, today was one of those not-so-sunny days, and I happened to be with Nish! We were like on the beach road, trying to get ourselves registered for a music competition in AIR.. The beach was way too inviting for us to have let go! I parked my bike and we quickly trod our way to the waters, leaving our footprints in the sands…

Marina beach was oh so dirty today. Not like it has ever been clean! But still! Nish and I mocked our “eco friendly” world, as we sat down and realized we had no living soul other than the crabs, a couple of love birds and some urchins scattered here and there…

Felt so different… To recline amidst such a serene setting! I was amused by the number of crabs that I saw! I was scaaaaaaaaared of them! And Nish and I actually had a crab – talk hehe… From like sizes and colors they can take, to why people EAT those creatures! :)

We sat there for a long long time… Just talking around.. We spoke about “men” – our eternal favorite topic to jabber about! Just then this little sundal boy came by! We were both starved and we couldn’t find food around at the beach at like 3pm! No bajji’s, no butta! And this little child came and said “Akka akka, sundal vaangikongakka!” I must admit I have this fetish for these sundal kids, little flower girls…. I tasted sundal, made sure it was hot! And we bought two moonu-rooba sundals! :D We kicked up a conversation with that child…. He’s one of the cutest kids I’ve encountered… When asked as to what he’s studying, “Third to fourth”, he beamed! And we were like “wow”! I asked him, “What do you intend doing in life? You want to become something, or keep selling sundal?” Pat came the answer, “I’m going to be a doctor, someday, I will”. I was dumbstruck. He left me spell-bound for a while.. He gave us the sundal and went skipping off happily to go about his business…

That reminded me of this little flower girl that I came across, in Besi beach… She’s one girl I absolutely fell in love with… I bought two ‘mozhams’ of flowers from her, instantly! She stole my heart by saying, “Sister, can you buy my flowers?”, (yes in english!) with a sparkle in her eyes that gave away her innocence.. She didn’t beg me to buy her flowers.. She had that self-respect in her and that aura of charm… I still cant forget her face… I was so carried away, I actually told Vinaya (who was with me then), “If only I could adopt her, I would”… I kept turning back to look at her, as I walked my way out of the beach.. And that little girl waved and smiled her best smile, everytime I turned back to see her….. I’m always on the look-out for her, when I go back to besi beach… I’ve never found her again………………

I pondered… how fortunate we are, to actually have a house to live in, lovely parents, friends and dozens of them who care so much for us…. We don’t have to sell sundal or flowers to make a living… I can never swap places with either of the two kids I mentioned, but I admire them for their innocence, their determination to make it “big”, their sense of responsibility (earning for their family and their education), self-respect and most of all, humility… We needn’t learn our lessons from a Vivekananda or a Mother Teresa… “Small” people can touch our lives in their own special way, like they did, mine……

The waves danced to the rhythm of an unknown force. For a moment or two, I got unified with the waves and felt the oneness… Nisha jumped out excitement everytime we saw an aeroplane high in the sky! Time flew…. And we were awakened by the filthy sights of creepy men doting on us.. That’s when we decided to go to Nisha’s home – I mean, Café Coffee Day! :)
We sauntered our way out of the beach, leaving our footprints behind…….

hi :)

heya!!!

i've never blogged for... cos' i cant really write... however, i've decided to put my stuff here off and on.... thanks for dropping by!!

cheers!
harini