Coal'd Soul'd

I loved

I lost

I hated

I lost

I turned into stone

I lost

I loved again

I could lose

I couldn't hate

I may lose

I will turn into stone

I don't care if I lose

Or

Just be.

Me.

And my Soul.

Pure as burning coal.

Burning with love. hatred. stones and a lot of Question Marks.

Burning. Like you.

Not for you.

Not for your love.

Not for your careless whisper.

Not for your scented shadows.

Your coal'd soul'd Question mark. 

Strangled Love

Parents. Love. Their Dreams.
Which turns dangerously into a system where they go out of their way to make their children their clones


Children. Love. Their Dreams.
Strangle. Struggle everyday to find a balance between their real identity and forced upbringing identity


Twisted. Twisted world.

Twisted Symphony. Deep Whole.

Swollen with love. For life. My life.
Burdened with pressure. My life. For him
Tempted to walk it all by myself. For myself. My dreams
Bonded by love. For them. My life.
Choked with love-prayers. For me. From them
Nested in my prayers. For me. For peace
Craving for a certain him. My joys. My tears. And us.
Throttled by misfits. For noone. Or everyone
Rattling inside my inside. For me. For me.
Living this twisted symphony. For them. And me.

Liberation, I seek
Revolution, I hope
Love, I crave
Life, I desire

For me. For him. For them. For us.

Get what not
I know not
Why this way?
Know I not

Be it this
Live life let
Go be one
Seem no one

Get so fast
Be what got
Good life. Life good
Will come to you

Faith keep you
You keep faith
Life be that
What you got will get
Lots more better more

Smile and live
Twisted symphonies shall fade
Harmony though far away
Shall come near loud and clear

With open arms I welcome that gear
Leave not my house or my near
Be there and smile some real
Light my life. Fill my soul.
Sleep in my whole deep here.
Forever now. Now forever.
Be there in my whole deep where?

Insecure Buffoons

Talent so little
Ego so bloated
Matter so little
Pride so bloated


Mastery so little
Fake-Powers so bloated
Ethics so little
Threats so bloated


Wearing on hats of wannabe authority
Trying desperately to conquer enemy's throne
Threat. Conceit. Stealth.
They try it all


The Mighty looks over and laughs silently
Try all you want, you petty being
For Victory favors the brave, the righteous, the smart and wise


So my dear, Go take a walk. TRY, at least find smarter ways to TRY to outbound the Mighty
You're allowed to fail
Just like you're going to


Good luck, anyway!

Light a New Lamp, Dear Lord...

I've been wanting to write about this for long.....


There's been one birthday post every year ever since this blog came into existence.... Quite probable I might've missed last year...


This year however, I really really wanted to write. And I don't know....


So here's recollecting a small portion of what I'm calling Birthday-Eve.....



After having finished a fabulous batch of NLP Practitioner Training at Mumbai, I decided to take a stroll by a place nearby and hit on Juhu beach....


Fascinated I was, by the tons and tons of Chaat stores and just how different the beach there is, in comparison to the Chennai beaches....

I had a really pretty time....


It was quarter behind 12am.... And when I was leaving the beach, walking on the footpath, towards the car....



I noticed on this lamp post..... This angel of a girl. Head fully covered in a light pink cloth that had quaint maps of dirt and filth from the roads..... She lay with a back curved and the only part of her physique that had the privilege of any rest seemed to be the small of her back as it touched the lamp post....
Her eyes closed.... arms wrapped around her knee.....


Her face told a million stories. Stories of pain, helplessness, acute hunger and an unexplainable sense of calm....... I can't seem to get off my head this quagmire of expressions that her face wore.
Was she asleep?
Was she awake?
Is she orphan?
Is she forced into begging?
What's her fate going to be like?
Is she going to rest at least for a few hours?
Has she eaten?
How many days has it been since she ate?
What is she going to be subject to, when she opens her eyes?
Is she one of the 'slumdogs' I have seen as in the movie?



For some reason, it felt like this life that she's trapped in was just not meant to be, for her. Something was just not right.

I mean.
What could she have possibly done to have landed her a life that probably has no meaning at all?



Her face, I can forget never.


This tender little drop of heaven in misery is something I am not able to digest.




At the stroke of the midnight hour of my birthday, I prayed. I prayed desperately. With all my heart.

That someone rescues her. That a miracle happens. And she be rescued from the shackles of inhumanness, unfairness.... And that her life suddenly transforms into that of a happy girl, learning, studying, having a place that she knows is safe...
That she turns into a millionnaire some day, and I hear of it. And I will know, somehow that it's the same girl.



Tears fill my eyes as I think of her. I've no idea why she affects me so much.
But it's just not fair. That life she had as I saw her on 17th at 11.45 in the night - is just not meant to be.


Strangely, I seem to have included her in my regular prayers now. And I believe what I wish for her will really come true.



Little Girl - I'm not able to do anything from my end other than Pray. Forgive me for my helplessness.
May you all the evil around you be rebuked. May the Lord lift you up and touch your life with abundance of blessings.
You fill me, angel.
And I know God has a way for you. And I will pray for nothing but flowers of love, wisdom and courage to be showered on you. All your life.

Disdainful Judgement

Schedules hectic
Life amess
Took on more work for bread and breathes dirty air
Believes there is only one way to live on
Thinks like a horse with eye caps on
Filters glowing Red black and blue

*Ssssppppffff* she spits her half-hearted work
Maps distorted
Ego hurt
"I'm gonna get you two" she bit her teeth and told
Reads in between lines
Makes meaning of realities that exist not

*Hurrrrrr* she blames like a fat cow with horns a many
Head shakes east-to-west vigorously that
A few worms she can gobble and spit out in disgust
Scratching brains
Bleeding nose
Life ain't as pretty is it could be
She decides so, that the world must be
A place that shares her lousy misery

Spiteful. More distortions. Long long hours all of snorty pens
Scanning her finished work she smirks now with Pride
Of her undaunted fake power and will to pronounce someone loser
Scorned. Torn. Biased. Misinterpreted.

Just a few kind words spewed here and there
Makes for bizarre decoration of work so insane
Throws her disdainful pen
Tears of blood cried the pen so soft
Judgement passed

Took a deep dip in a villa nearby
Now forgotten about the eagles so far
Life trods on. No joy. No nice





But the phoenix she hurt shall someday rise

Lucky or What?

I've always been asked - "How do you manage to ride two horses? Ain't being a Professional Vocalist and an Entrepreneur two equally demanding professions? You must be so lucky"

I tweeted a couple of days ago about my newest Samsung Galaxy Note and lo! Within a minute, someone replied "Neenga romba kuduthu vechhavanga" (Translation: You must be a extra lucky)

Oh and I hear from people all the time, "You've dimples! How lucky are you?!"


Makes me wonder what "Luck" and "Lucky" really is all about...



I do understand that there are Millions of people out there don't live in a house, don't get to eat 3 meals or have any of the basic necessities of life that I'm abundantly blessed with.
I don't understand that disparity... It's unfair. What can a baby newly born into the family of someone dwelling in the slum possibly do? Until he has grown his feet enough to be able to be on his own.

Birth, we don't have a choice of. We don't pick families we want to be part of.


But what comes after that - Why attribute to "Fortune", "Luck"?


Everyone has Choice. And we make choices all the time. To be an addict to some stuff lying on the road is a Choice. To have the vigor to break away from poverty or whatever his/her status may currently be and work towards an awesome quality of life is also a Choice.
So many many people today are willing to sponsor Education of a deserving one. We ourselves sponsor education of our Maid's daughter's education. She asked us for it, in her own little pristine way.
Tomorrow, when she's successful - Ain't she going to be subject to the "Lucky" label?




Life really is all about Choices.

You choose what you want out of life and work your whole heart and soul into realizing this.

I've always believed and would swear by this:
When you want something very very very fondly and so intently, the Universe will make way for its happening.

You just got to make the Choices that take you in that direction.
You train your gut.


And Most of all, Pray and Work. "Luck" doesn't come in the way of Prayers and Honest Work!


Pray and Work. Work and Pray. Let the sunshine of love bless us all with positivity, direction and wisdom to make Choices that are most Ecological for us...

Oodle Doodle!:)

Meet Randy and Jodha!

Dressed to hit the party!

All Rights Reserved :)

Resurgence

I blog today after almost two years. Thanks or No thanks to - @ajeyjustin


Phew. It's perhaps never happened that someone actually finds this excessively poorly SEO'd, hidden blog of mine - a secret almost - and literally figures my whole life out in two days!


And on twitter, this gentleman goes:
@MeghaAlsoHarini smell ur old book again....u ll know.u wer so stubborn tat u ll nt chnge ur blog..but u did,now ter is no harini..jus megha
@MeghaAlsoHarini singer megha...:P


And I'm here I am going - Phew! Has life really changed 'So Much'?



For one - I never believed I could write, ever. Writing was something that happened absolutely by accident. Rather, just a random, impulsive outbreak of emotions over some teenage laments. I used to write them in word docs and save them. And I think I almost parallelly started posting them online... Writing over an emotional overdose would actually flush out all the intensity and tone it down.. Like the transition from high tides to soft waves... Just living and moving on...
This weird blog world of anonymity and a thin envelope of care... I soon found this little space of mine being totally my own.. I was proud of it...

Felt like I could write all I want and get away with it.



I don't quite know what happened and what mooted me to stop blogging. It certainly was not a conscious decision... I guess I didn't find the need to lament as much...
And I found different other ways of expression - Facbeook, Twitter... More of the latter..

And here I am - realizing that this beautiful medium of expression that I have so fondly fostered, loved and owned needn't be abandoned for life. For no apparent reason...


Hence, Resurgence.



Lots has happened over 2 years now... Personal life, professional life... Several dreams of mine having come true... The Rahman dream, Setting up my own empire dream...

Life has but been beautiful :)


I don't think I want to fill this space with the two years that has gone by.... Rather, I shall fondle it with my thoughts, reviews, experiences starting today... for a long long way to come...


Thank you ababbleofemotions.blogspot.com for having waited for me for two years now... And thank you for welcoming me, with open arms... I won't ignore you nomore.. Really :)

And @ajeyjustin - I owe you. Thank you :)








Love,
Me

23rd birthday log!

20threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's! That's how many years of earthly life I've completed...
I feel distinctly older and more responsible than I did last year...

My dearest of all friends Sruthi (shuti) had to be in hyderabad on my birthday... So this sweet thing and my other dear college buddies surprisingly turned up at my place at 6am on 16th! Sangee called me up and said she was on her way to meet someone and she met with an accident. She asked me to help her... So I ran downstairs only to see these beauties cheekily grinning at me and screaming surprise! :)
We (Shutu, Sang and Keeka) drove to the beach.... chitchatted.... cut cake.... and then went to Saravana Bhavan for breakfast! Pretty, aint it?!

I've been wanting to call my entire gang of singer friends home for dinner for a long time.... Logistically, 17th seemed to be a good day where all of them were available... Mum and I also had enough time to plan and execute an elaborate dinner party!
Ranjith, Rahul-chithra, Naveen-shiney, Haricharan, Devan, Thaman Sai, Ranina, Divya, Suchi, Mini.... There were allllllll at my place on 17th night.. My dearest Vivek was with us too! We had a kickass fun time....
Janani and Reetu couldn't make it. Likewise - Krish and Naresh...
Cut cake at midnight.... and after a while, everyone left to thier homes...
It was 2am when I slept after cleaning up, getting online and stuff....

Woke up at 5.30 and watched the sunrise at the beach with my friends.... Spent some happy time and got back....
Went shopping with ma.... Met my Augustine Sir and took his blessings.... Had lunch with some friends at noon...

Met my grandparents after that... chauffered them around a little.... Went to lifestyle to pick up a top for the party I was going to attend at night... Met Thiru, a sweet little man who picked up such pretty, thoughtful gifts... :)

Caught up with a friend quickly after that... and then went home to relax and get ready for the party...

Think Music and Satyam Cinemas threw a party at the Pod. All of tinsel town was there. Think music celebrated it's 50th movie.... Had fun dancing the night out with my music gang, again!!!

Birthday celebs continued - Lunch with V boy at Tuscana... kiss ass food.. and two tiramisu's back to back!! :)

Haaaaa. and I'm 23 now!!!

Here's wishing myself a happy 23 and cheers to the start of a new 24!

Thanks alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll you guys who called, text'd, facebook wall'd, facebook email'd me for all your wishes....

Cheers,
me

From those who took the road less traveled...

I was asked to write an article for the "Alumni Speaks" column for my college - Madras School of Social Work...

The article is from "Those who took the road less traveled"...

I was asked to write about how, why I chose to take up music after HR and how HR has helped me in what I do today.... I was asked to write 150 words but ended up writing thrice as much! I don't have the heart to discard this version... and I knew my blog would fondly host it for me!


So here it goes...

From the pragmatic standpoint, I’ve always picturized myself in the corporate world steadily growing and transforming businesses and being that real woman of substance. The corporate experience I gathered from the internships at the undergraduate level in the field of HR intrigued me enough to want to delve deeper into the subject and get really wow at it!

Going by that focus, I decided to study HR. I was fortunate to have had the opportunity of studying HR in one of the finest institutions in Chennai today.

At this juncture I would like to make a confession. As much as I saw myself being an HR professional, I wouldn’t deny admitting how I’ve fantasized endlessly and seen mental videos of me singing in studios like those professional singers. Music has been always been a part of me and I have been pursuing my vocal lessons since childhood.

I stumbled upon some small opportunities to sing professionally. Thanks to the HR background that definitely gave me an edge over others from the networking perspective. Bigger opportunities came my way and I started to believe in myself more and eventually it felt like this is what I was meant to do. At the end of the two years of MHRM, I had to take that tough call – Music or HR?

My undaunted drive and passion for music along with an analysis of my log of recordings over the last year gave me renewed enthusiasm and I decided to take that big plunge. I listened to my heart and things did fall in place. I have been into music “full time” now for a year and I can’t be happier!

The two years I have spent at Madras School of Social Work has been extremely enriching. I learnt the art of people management, multi-tasking and most importantly – the art of networking. I work flexi-time in the e-learning space with an organization called NuVeda Learning Pvt Ltd. This priceless opportunity came my way through the interactions I had with them during one of our ‘HR Symphony’ symposiums which NuVeda had sponsored. I have been working with them as a consultant through my college days until now and will complete two years of service with them, shortly.

Music and NuVeda are both extremely integral parts of my life. There’s a wonderful balance of art work and brain work and this works perfectly for me. I believe in miracles. You just have to go with the flow and let them happen to you!

A new beginning...

Made up my mind.
My blog is all mine. I'm not moving it into a different address or anything.
My blog will reflect my mind, emotions, experiences, opinions, random thoughts and actions.... Definitely in greater frequency...

Love you, blog...

Cheers to a new beginning! :)

I don't know what has kept me away from my blog for so long....

Have I lost it for writing or what? I don't even have an answer...

The last post on my blog disturbed me all over again...

I'm thinking.... Should I like start a new blog or something?

"Mind your Business"

Wonder why I let all those happy moments pass… Not an inkling of memory of those pretty moments did I log… and now again, my blog bears a horrendously depressing post…

Let me begin on some note of positivity.. I sang in Aadhavan… Yeah, Surya-Nayanthara starrer… Harris Jeyraj music.. My first big break…. Feels good. My parents smiled with their eyes for the first time…..

Those same eyes turned horror stricken y’day…. It’s one of those days you don’t have any control over your emotions… Long tiring stressful annoying week that has past and you’re in the threshold of insanity…

Got back home… Irritation and anger ignited when on the first glimpse I saw some things in my room moved around… Now that can be the biggest stress giving thing for me. I hate it when people mess/clean my room or move any object by even an inch when I’m not around. It disturbs me oh so much….
I screamed at mum for doing that and demanded the room to myself for a bit… I love savoring my space by myself in my room when I just enter home from anywhere…. Mum and I clearly had a misunderstanding and we were barking at each other…

Dad who was sitting comfortably in the living room stormed out of there all disturbed and demanded with all his might to know what went wrong…. The irritated, fuming freak that I already was.. dint think a split second and screamed back… Couple of phrases I never thought I’d ever have the guts to use on dad…..
Was there like a fiend controlling my tongue? I’ve no no no clue….

I feel like chopping off my tongue for being such a bitch…. I want to beg for forgiveness….

I fear there ain’t no room for forgiveness this time around…

What do I title this one?

It’s been three years and counting…. since I stepped into the world of professional music. I didn’t ever think I’d even get where I am… I didn’t think I’d swap corporate career for a stint in music…

I am partly happy. But I’m having real difficulty dealing with the “uncertainty” element that’s so much a part of the life I’ve made for myself for now. Owing to this, I’ve been going through so many ups and downs… When I’m trouble, I’m completely troubled, else I just let lose and have a ball.

Will I make it? I don’t know…. This fear kills me sometimes…

I don’t feel like completing this post.

22nd birthday log...

Somehow, this number 22 hasn’t been making me smile over the last few days…. Been hitting constant lows and suddenly 22 feels like 92…! And yes, the agony aunt’s and uncle’s have heard enough of this depression over the last couple of weeks!

But... BLESSED. That’s how I feel now.

Here’s my birthday log:

11.40pm 17th march onwards, calls started coming in! And slowly I began smiling.. Lakshmi, Rohan, Shooti called in, following the midnight wish tradition… And then V boy calls and asks me to come down to my gate!!!! Momsie smiled and let me go…. I went down the flight of stairs as fast as I could with those bird feet and flew into V’s car… “Happy birthday lil baby”, he said and unloaded a kutty dabba on my palms. I opened it all excited to find a freakin fone!!!!! A new freakin fone! My head almost started spinning as I looked at that lil sophisticated, sleek piece of joy! We drove and drove down mount road and then took U turn and drove and drove back home… Daintily switched sims into new fones… took off pictures… played pranks with birthday callers… had a cheeky + senti + super pretty awesome awesome time…

Got back home… took many many more happy birdday calls… and crashed!

Up at 6, woken up by shooti wooti who claimed to be sleeping cos’ she had sprains! I shook myself up and jumped outta the bed… Daddy boy wished me many happy returns… I drank my green tea and was setting to the gym… And Sanju sanju sanju called from London!!! I wish he was just a jump away and not many oceans apart… Nevertheless, we spoke pretty many happy words and then my bike took me to my gym… As I was entering, I see two very familiar faces standing right there… One with a sprained ankle, another with a cheeky grin and mallu eyes! Bikey automatically slowed down, trying to digest the fact that Shooti and Swathi are at MY gym at SEVEN am!! Heck, it was a birthday surprise!!!!! Hugs, birthday song, cake cutting session followed… They thoroughly publicized to my gym-mates too, that it was my birthday! Pooh. I was SURPRISED, in the real sense. Thanks you freaks! I carried home a whole bag of goodies - uper smart red sleeveless kurta, ethnic and bright Indian mat with zari, handicrafts…! I had bequeathed pre-birthday gifts as well, from Sangee – chambor eye shadows, super special wet wipes (I’m going to detail this further)…

I get back home and I find Divsoo and V boy accidentally present themselves to me! and soon, my singer jinger friends were all at the door! Rita, Jan, Ranina, Rahul and Naveeeena! I cut an absolutely grand choc truffle cake and fed mommy, daddy and all of them! They wouldn’t let go of my pretty face, would they? :P They made me look like a drishti bommai with cake smudged allllllll over!!!!! We had kuty breakfast and took many many many pictures…







Divu gave me a mirror… something I’ve been craving for ever since I moved into this house, cos’ my room doesn’t have a mirror!!!! Pooh. An awfully beautiful made to order mirror with antique wood tanjore frame. Do you have any idea, how awesome it looks????

After all the hugs and kisses, she rolls out another huge parcel… this one was a freakin AWESOME blue blanket! There’s a whole history to this one! I bet noneeeeeeeeee of you have a blanket as cozy as this one….. I used one at a friends place like a year ago, and ever since I’ve wanted to get something as cuddly as that. And bang! She gets me a replica of what I craved for, a year ago!!!!!

And then ONCE AGAIN she brings an item wrapped beautifully in green. This one was 3 foot long gift and I was so puzzled. I ripped the gift wrappers open and boy! There lie the most brilliant piece of hand made picture art!!!!! 2 year old memories captured to the T. Aaaah. I cannot describe it. Feel free to find it on my wall, when you come home next!



Pooh… I don’t know. I’d quite lost it, at the end of it…. We soon put it away and mommy, divsoo and I went a lil shopping after tat… got back home, had lunch… Div and I set out to coll… We reached early! Half an hour early!!! It’s one of those extreeeeeeemly rare scenarios where we’ve kept time! :P Amsoo bumsoo who claimed she won’t come to coll walked in with another super pretty cake and the whole class sang “happy birthday to you”! O man… I was choking on niceness. Really…

We aimlessly chatted for a while… Div and I then decided to watch a movie. As we were walking towards my bike, I see a whole bunch of red roses there! It’s these same college items – Riki, Amu, Aisha, Needy beedy, Bina, Min who are responsible for that! Thanks you silly billies!! :) :) :)





Went to Satyam and watched Yaavarum Nalam… Ironical that we watched a thriller, that I’d like to call a horrrrrrrrrror movie on my birthday! Aaaaaaaaaaoooooooooo! I was thoroughly freaked out. But hey! Nice movie, that! We went to blur… laughed at those machines and freaks who were freakin out on them! Ordered pasta, salad and ate tummy full! And then we were on our way back to our respective homes…..

I spent time with folks for a bit before I could adorn myself for dinner like Lakshmi had instructed me to! V and Lakshu drove home to pick me up for dinner! We went to Taj on Mount Road and had super pretty dinner…. I described alllllllll of the above to Lakshmi…and we spoke and spoke and spoke….

Got back home… these two would still not let me go empty handed… they got me birthday cards with words that only I could almost hear them speak…

Ah.. my birthday got over… I walked those flights of stairs up… this time a lot slower than before…. Recollecting precious precious precious moments of today… And here I am, writing about my day…




Thanks Giving
Divsoo, Shootu, Viveko – you’re my diamonds. You’ll very very very precious to me. thank you for slaughtering me with all your love… I can’t be more touched…
Lakshu – thanks for giving me an amazing evening… allow me to treat you to a foot massage, soon… :) thanks for the perfume and the card – i LOVE them…
All my singer friends, college friends – thanks oh so much for making my day so so special… thanks for coming… Thanks for the really pretty stole, Jan… :)
To EVERYONE who called, messaged, emailed to wish me – THANKS A MILLION….

Again, to all – Thanks for making me feel like a blessing.



Overwhelmed and exasperated with all the love,
It’s me Harini-aka-Megha saying thanks again…

Peace

Mercy, O Sweet Pear...

Ironically, my mom just cut me a pear and I’m sitting by the PC, popping the tiny pear pieces one after another, into my mouth… and with every new bite, he pops into head…

He loves pears... More than apples and other fruits that God made.
I’m sing out aloud… This song called ‘Untitled’ by Simple Plan…

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
Wondering why my state of mind and peace haven't been in synchrony quite a while, now…

I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
Crying miserably… Wondering what went wrong… Why… How?

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
A 3 year old relationship straining for the first time… Maybe much lesser than I think… Nevertheless, I can’t stand the pain…

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I just haven’t made a mistake, although the pear man probably thinks I’ve made one…


Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
Futile attempts to reach out to the pear lover… Futile, still.

I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
Hoping that call would come… Still hanging…


I wanna start this over again
Will you let that happen, O sweet pear?

Caught in a Quagmire

I never thought there’d be days when I wake up at 5am and wail ecstatically…

Ever since my passion turned into something more serious of the sort, my parents have been shitting bricks. More specifically, my father, my love…

I’ve read about a million people who really really wanted to do something in their lives but are elsewhere now, probably picking up calls in a call centre… Probably sporting the smartest tie and bowing their heads down everyday in front their manager at work. In a strange way, I get reminded of the movie Rock On…. I fear I’ll turn into the grumpy, annoying Farhan Akhtar that toiled morning to night, traveled in the best of cars, lived in the best of houses…. But life for his wife was pretty much hell, cos’ he was lying to himself… The corporate serious life he’d psyched himself to believe was meant to be, was indeed not….

Everyone has problems in life… Large or small, but they do exist. I’m happy. Very very happy with the way I deal with my life with all it’s highs and lows…. But right now, I’m torn. Utterly torn…. Torn by my passion being molested in dignified ways….

Playback singing should have remained a dream for me. I wonder why it even crystallized into reality, opening up new doors in my thoughts…. I should have realized long ago that no matter how much I put my heart and soul into it, people who matter most to me don’t value it, one teeny bit….

Generation gap is one predicament most parents and siblings suffer, alike. It presents itself in greater proportions for me…. Can I do anything at all, to bridge the gap, at least a little?

I’ve absolutely no heart to kill the dream I’ve fostered since childhood… Especially with opportunities are coming in sizeable proportions over the last few months, I’m only driven more passionately to better myself at this art, challenge myself each time and make my heart soar with delight….

I give all due respect to my father’s ideologies. They are not nonsensical, but they’re only too conventional for me to digest and internalize. He loathes every bit of the film industry and any human being who has anything to do with the industry. He believes that life for us is “meant to be” one that encompasses a regular full time corporate job that pays you a “fixed, reliable” salary, month after month. Society will not respect a fluctuating job, more specifically a job in the film industry….

He hangs his head down in shame almost when people ask him about my music. He hates mentioning anything at all. For him, the film industry is taboo and he’s doing everything in his might, to keep his daughter miles away from it…. And how? By fervently talking me out of it every day….

I happen to be going for a show to Coimbatore this Sunday… My first outstation show. How I’d love a situation where I could happily seek blessings of both my parents before I set out…. Here I have mom in one side, who’d kill to see her daughter grow in what she wants to do most… and there’s dad on the other side who’s utterly flabbergasted on the mention of the show… 5.30am and the passionate “please don’t get into all this, I beg of you” speech starts….. and I finally leave to the gym with my heart all heavy…. Torn by his concern on one end, my passion on the other….

Crying all the way to the gym… Running frantically on the treadmill, fighting my tears inside…. Unable to fight any longer, I rush home to blog desperately…

Unfortunately, we have a family friend who’s extremely well known in the Carnatic field. She’s one of the top notch artists who’s received national recognition as well. No prizes to you even if you have managed to guess right. Well, her name was torn to bits by the media on her alleged affair with a famed actor. Besides, family life of someone so big can’t be a bed of roses. Thrown apart by these realities, my dad insists adamantly that I don’t pave my way to fame and dig my own gave.

Further, his concerns are about my future – my married life. Will anyone marry me? Will that someone want to see me pursue a career in music and deal with all the glamor and uncertainty that comes its way? No, he believes. Every man wants his wife to be conventional and lead a normal life with no public scrutiny…

A good friend once told me, failures and flops are far more publicized and scrutinized by the society, media than by your success. And it’s true…

Here I am, caught in a quagmire… My parents mean the world to me… What must I do? Kill my passion and fulfill my parent’s desires or hurt my parents and chase my dreams? I can’t have the cake and eat it.

O Lord… I’m at your mercy…. Please show me the way…..

Fetish o fetish

I went to Lifestyle today...

I gaped and gaped and gaped at a tray..... Utterly awestruck by its beauty... It wasn't only beautiful, it was HOT! I mean.. really! HOT!!!!!
I couldn't resist it any longer.... I quickly shoved it into my shopping bag.... I can leave behind clothes, shoes, everything... but NOT this tray!

Similar things happened a few years ago.... I picked up one pair of footwear after gazing fixedly... I wish I still had it... *Sigh*

For ages now, I've had an eye on an aunt's saree..... Chiffon... Unimaginably hot saree.... So class... so freakin perfect. I mean... what a sareeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nevermind. I can't have everything... For now, I have my tray. and I'm happy!!!


By now, you've most certainly concluded I'm insane!!! :)

But believe me... I'm addicted. To leopard print. Golden sheen... Black rosette shaped dots.... Wowwwwwwww... I mean wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I see the tray right next to me... Glistening.... Golden sheen.. Black spots....

Love you, my leopard tray!



PS - I'm sure there's some deep deep connection... Leopards and me... I might jus've been one previous birth.... Aaaaaaaaaaaah. They're jus beautiful! :)

Will I make it?

I really hope patience and hard work pays...

**prayers**
**fingers crossed**

**biting nails**

Atoms dancing in front of my eyes.... Will I make it?
I don't know...

I really hope patience and hard work pays...